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  Breath of Life

  By Sara Marion

  Breath of Life

  Text Copyright © 2013 Sara Marion

  All Rights Reserved

  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages for review purposes.

  Cover design © Arijana Karčić, Cover It! Designs

  Editing by: Erica Cope, Andrea Lauppe, Sarah Rios, and Nicole Brown

  Find out more about the author and upcoming books online at:

  saramarion.blogspot.com

  www.facebook.com/saramarionauthor

  To my family. I wouldn’t be where I am without you or your support. I love you all.

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  Contents

  ONE

  TWO

  THREE

  FOUR

  FIVE

  SIX

  SEVEN

  EIGHT

  NINE

  TEN

  ELEVEN

  TWELVE

  THIRTEEN

  FOURTEEN

  FIFTEEN

  SIXTEEN

  SEVENTEEN

  EIGHTEEN

  NINETEEN

  TWENTY

  TWENTY-ONE

  TWENTY-TWO

  TWENTY-THREE

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  ONE

  February 2012

  “Do you know why you are here?” Dr. Keeler asked.

  Paxton watched her lean back in her chair as she always did. Paxton never said a word during any of her sessions. She knew why she was here and she didn’t want leave. The world was an ugly place and she had seen enough. She witnessed countless acts of violence in her job. She saved people that sometimes shouldn’t have been saved and she lost ones that shouldn’t have been taken. She had seen families broken up over senseless things and she grew tired of the darkness she saw day in and day out. Paxton sat quietly in her chair knowing that she was locked away in a safe place. She didn’t want to go back into the cruel world she left, the one where God disappeared on her. She looked at the doctor, gave no sign of breaking and then she continued looking out the window. She hadn’t spoken a word to anyone in nearly five months.

  “Paxton,” Dr. Keeler cleared her throat, “I can’t help you with anything unless you talk to me, to someone. We have been meeting for four months now. I know a little of what you been through from talking to your friends,” she paused. “I have also talked to Jack.”

  Paxton’s eyes darted back to Dr. Keeler at the mention of Jack’s name. Dr. Keeler noticed the reaction.

  “Jack is worried about you,” she continued. “He wants you to get better.”

  Paxton kept her eyes on Dr. Keeler. She knew Jack was out of the picture. He wouldn’t check on her, not after everything that has happened. Jack was long gone as well as her best friend, Ella. Duke was the only one who seemed to care about her after she screwed everything up, but he hadn’t come to see her since she’s been here.

  Dr. Keeler was just looking for a reaction, a break in her silence but Paxton would not give into it. It would ruin everything she built here in the institution over the last five months. After all, she took enough psychology classes to know how to fake a psychotic break. Trauma filled her life and she had more than enough excuses to become insane, fractured or not all there. Dr. Keeler’s sighed. It broke up Paxton’s thoughts which would probably be for the best.

  Jack was a button for her, most of her past was. She ruined so much in the last year or so that it was hard to think about anything without feeling guilty about something. If Dr. Keeler kept pushing, Paxton would lash out in anger. She needed to remain in control. This is the only thing she could control. She would not lose it.

  Dr. Keeler continued to study her. Paxton ignored her as she always did and looked around the office. It was neat and orderly. Everything was in its place. The desk was tidy, the bookshelf had books aptly arranged and pictures of her and her family hung around the office. There were a couple of floor plants by the window and a couple of smaller plants on end tables. It reminded Paxton of her own office. Well, what used to be her office before she lost everything.

  “You know,” Dr. Keeler began. “I think that it’s time we try something else, something to remind you of what’s waiting for you when you get out of here because I know you don’t belong in here.” She stood up and headed to her desk. She picked up the receiver and quietly said something to whomever was on the other line. Paxton watched her carefully. She came back and smiled. “I think this is something you need.”

  Paxton rolled her eyes and looked back at the window. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Dr. Keeler walking towards the door. She knew that her curiosity could get the best of her and she could ruin the world she built around herself. Paxton couldn’t figure out what Dr. Keeler was trying to do but whatever it was, Paxton would have to mask her reaction. She couldn’t afford to slip up now.

  The door quietly shut. Hushed voices behind the door peaked Paxton’s interest. She quickly turned and wondered who Dr. Keeler was talking to. She hoped it wasn’t her mother because their relationship had gone down the drain over the last year. She shook her head not wanting to think of that but she was curious as to who was behind the door.

  The doorknob turned, she quickly returned to looking out the window. Her nervousness grew, but she tried to show no outward signs as she heard several footsteps on the hard wood floors. Paxton willed herself not to turn around and see who it was. She steeled herself as Dr. Keeler came into view.

  “Paxton, someone came because they were very concerned about you,” Dr. Keeler said softly.

  Paxton remained still. She tried to keep her calm demeanor showing. She concentrated on the window while keeping her eyes relaxed. This was her first visitor since she arrived at the facility. No one came to see her. She saw Dr. Keeler motion for her visitor to come closer in her peripheral view.

  “Hey, Tiger,” Jack said softly.

  Paxton stiffened as she heard Jack’s voice. She hoped no one noticed her reaction, but to keep the façade going she stared at the window a moment longer. She turned slightly and looked at Jack while trying to remain indifferent on the outside. She was taken aback at how he looked, but attempted to keep her gaze impassive.

  His black hair had grown longer, almost brushed against his shoulders. His blue eyes were as piercing as ever. She felt her breathing quicken as he started at her. She noticed the stubble on his jawline, the one that he liked to keep somewhat clean shaven. He never let it get as long as he had it now. She wanted to reach out and touch him. The urge was overwhelming.

  Paxton saw Jack lift his hand from the back of the couch. Her eyes widened as he tried to reach out to her. She jumped up quickly from the couch and stepped away. If he touched her, she knew she would unravel. He was her weakness and she would melt into his arms. She would break down and everything she built would crumble to pieces.

  “Paxton please sit back down. He won’t hurt you,” Dr. Keeler ordered.

  Paxton looked over to her. Dr. Keeler had never seen her move or react to anything since they started meeting. She searched Dr. Keeler’s face to see how badly she just screwed up. She felt trapped in the world she created but she hoped that she didn’t completely dismantle it. She slowly returned to the opposite end of the couch.

  Memories of her last encounter with Jack flooded her. She remembered Jack slamming the door in anger. She fell to the floor sobbing. She knew her actions had consequences but she didn’t think she would have to face them. She cried for hours waiting for him to come back. When he didn’t walk back through that door, she knew she just threw her marriage down the drain.<
br />
  Paxton remembered her mother wrapping her arms around her and wiping her with a tear-stained face. She stayed with her mother for two months. When her mother had enough of her wallowing, their relationship took turn for the worst. She started blaming Paxton for everything that went wrong in the previous six months. Paxton couldn’t believe that her mother was starting to turn on her just like everyone else seemed to do.

  Paxton had lost her faith in everything around her. She was angry at the world. She blamed God and refused to go to church. She argued with her mother when she tried to drag Paxton to church. She told her mother that she couldn’t believe in a God that would turn His back on His people when they needed Him most. She couldn’t believe in someone that would put so much hatred and misery in the world and allowed bad things happen to good people.

  After a week of her mother berating her, Paxton came up with the idea of checking herself into a mental institution. She thought nothing bad could happen in a controlled environment. She told her mother about her idea but that only led to another argument. Her mother didn’t agree, saying she was only thinking of herself. She told Paxton she needed to be an adult and accept that the world around her was a direct result of her actions.

  Paxton shut herself away after that, her mother was right. It was her fault, everything that has happened over the last year was. For the next two weeks, Paxton went on auto-pilot as she fell into her silent world. She stayed in her room, barely ate, and let everything slip further away from her. Her mother came in to give her food but she never said a word.

  Eventually, she noticed Jenny’s worried look. Paxton’s clothes were beginning to hang on her and she knew that her mother would soon give in. Her mother couldn’t possibly entertain the idea of letting another daughter slip away, a possibility she would have to bury her own child. The night her mother finally gave in, Paxton remembered ignoring the calls that came on her cell phone. Six calls, six messages from the one person who hadn’t completely given up on her. Paxton didn’t want Duke to interfere with her decision. Duke was Ella’s husband and Jack’s best friend. She didn’t want him tangled up with her mess any longer.

  Jack brought Paxton back to the present as she felt his hand wrap around hers. “Tiger, I know that you probably don’t want me here right now, but I miss you. I have been thinking about you, about us...about what we used to have.”

  Paxton stared at her hand in Jack’s. It felt foreign but at the same time it felt familiar and right. He came back for her. After all these months, he came back for her. He is the one of the reasons you are here, her conscience broke in. Why after all this time is he coming back?

  She remembered the last thing he said to her. ‘I hate what you have become. You disgust me and I never want to see you again. You are nothing to me now.’ After he spat out those words, he turned and walked out of her life. A sudden surge of anger came through Paxton as those words floated through her head. She jerked her hand away.

  “Get out.” Her voice was quiet and scratchy, probably because she hadn’t used it in months.

  “Get. Out.” She said more forcefully and stood up. She saw the shock on Jack’s face. “Why did you bring him here?”

  “He is here to help,” Dr. Keeler said calmly.

  “Help?! Get him out now. He has no right to be here!” Paxton said as she went to the window.

  She was shaking. She couldn’t look at the two of them right now. Paxton was angry that Dr. Keeler brought Jack here without even telling her or asking if it would be okay. Paxton couldn’t understand how he could help her.

  Jack stood up and started for Paxton. Dr. Keeler grabbed his arm and shook her head at him.

  “Let’s leave her be. I will have someone escort her back to her room. She has had enough for today," Dr. Keeler quietly ordered.

  Jack watched as Paxton was led away by two orderlies a few minutes later. She didn’t fight but he saw that she was upset, angry. He hoped that he could coax Paxton out of her silence but he did not expect the reaction she had. Each step she took away from him, he wanted to go after her, tell her how sorry he was.

  “Jack, would you mind coming in and talking with me? You seemed to have disappeared on me.”

  Jack slowly registered that Dr. Keeler was speaking to him, his gaze was still down the hallway where Paxton disappeared. “Uh, sure.”

  Jack followed her into the office. Each step he took, his heart screamed at him to go the opposite way. He fell into the spot where he sat with Paxton. He let his hand run along the fabric where Paxton was. He felt Dr. Keeler’s gaze as she sat in her chair, probably waiting for him to say something. He took a deep breath in and leaned back into the couch.

  “I didn’t think she would get so angry at me.” Jack finally broke the silence.

  “What did you expect Jack? You had to have some inkling that this would not be a warm and fuzzy reunion between the two of you.”

  Jack shifted slightly and looked at the wall. “I didn’t expect her to be angry. Hurt yes, but not angry. I know that I told her some awful things the last time I saw her but we were both angry. We both said things that we didn’t mean.”

  She was watching his every move. Jack figured it was because she was trying to figure him out, how he fit into all of this. Why his wife of almost seven years was in a place like this.

  “Did you think this was a good idea? Me coming back here?” Jack looked at her quizzically.

  “When I meet with her, she never looks at me. She stares at that window right there.” She pointed to the window on her right. “I don’t know why she won’t look at me but Mrs. Andrews told me about you. You two had something special going on between you. She said she saw that the first time you came to the house and she saw the two of you together. When you reached out to me to check on her, I knew you were the one that was going to break her silence. I know that you are the key to her opening up.”

  Jack watched her as she searched his face. He could see the concern in her eyes, the silent questions she was asking herself. He didn’t know how to respond to what she just said. He shifted on the couch, sitting himself up on the edge. He rested his elbows on his knees and hung his head. Thoughts of Paxton shutting herself away filled his mind.

  “I don’t think I’m helping here. You saw her reaction. She wants nothing to do with me.” Jack stared at the ground in front of him. He couldn’t look at Dr. Keeler right now.

  “I don’t know what happened between you two, but you showing up here today has to count for something.” Her voice was stern, like she was trying to convince him that he was wrong about himself, the role he played.

  “It shows her you still care. If you leave now because she rejected you, because you made her deal with something she thought she could sweep under the rug, then maybe you should have never come. It will set her back even further if she thinks you abandoned her again.”

  Jack stayed quiet thinking about if the decision to come out was the right one. What if Dr. Keeler was right? What if he was going to walk out on the last chance he has with Paxton? Could he risk it? Could he live knowing she was shutting herself away in here and he was the last chance that she had to heal herself, to work through her feelings? He knew deep down that he couldn’t walk away. He wasn’t ready to give up on her. He knew that the girl he fell in love with was not gone, but she is lost and needs help finding her way back. Once he found her, the girl he fell in love with, then maybe he could win her back. Maybe she would forget the divorce papers he sent her. The only thing missing was her signature before they could be filed. The fact that they remained unsigned by Paxton, gave Jack a slight glimmer of hope.

  TWO

  May 2002

  Jack stared at the clock. It was about eight-thirty in the morning and he was just waking up from a night out with the boys. He had no idea what was in store for him today. He picked up his phone and glanced at it, no calls or messages. He laid in bed for a little bit then decided he should get up and shower. He was exhausted from t
he night before and he had just fallen into bed with the first chance he got. He decided that he couldn’t lay there any longer and got up to get ready for the day.

  Jack walked out into the kitchen to find his best friend cooking up some breakfast. He never thought Duke would be up at an hour like this after how much they had to drink the night before. Back in college, they both would have still been sleeping. He knew that they have definitely entered a new chapter in their lives. Both of them were grown, responsible. Duke was up because he had to get to work.

  “Well, this is a sight I have never seen,” Jack walked into the kitchen. Duke turned and smiled.

  “Yeah, there’s a first time for everything. I figured you’d be up soon and would want something to eat.”

  “Are we married now? You look good in an apron my dear.” Jack teased as he pulled a few plates out of the cupboards.

  Jack set the plates down as Duke started serving breakfast between the two. Jack realized he missed hanging out with Duke. He missed the joking around and good country fun. Maybe it would be good just to stay out here awhile, but with his job it was impossible with the summer school starting so soon. He needed to leave and get back to New York to ready himself for the summer classes which would almost lead him to the fall semester.

  “So you’re leaving tomorrow afternoon?” Duke took a bite of eggs.

  “No in a couple of days. I have changed my plans. I want to come back, maybe during breaks or something,” Jack replied.

  “That would be awesome. You think you will get any jobs out here? Maybe a girlfriend?” Duke raised his eyebrows.

  “I have no idea what to expect from the job hunt over the past few days. Schools definitely need help out here but I don’t know what their budgets are, not that I need a big one. I want to come and help them out. I guess I just have to wait and see.”

  “And what about Paxton? You two chatted it up a bit last night,” Duke asked still probing at him.