Breath of Life 03 - Moments Read online

  Moments

  by Sara Marion

  Moments

  Text Copyright

  © 2014 Sara Marion

  First Edition

  All Rights Reserved

  No part of this book may be transmitted in any form without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages for review purposes.

  This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, or any events or occurrences, is purely coincidental. The characters and story lines are created from the author’s imagination.

  Cover Design © Sara Marion

  Cover Photo Credit © Jayce and Melissa Photography

  Cover Model: Eric Madden

  www.saramarion.com

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  Love is all, it gives all, and it takes all.

  ~Soren Kierkegaard

  PROLOGUE

  Ella was pregnant. The words slipped passed Paxton’s lips and Duke couldn’t breathe. He interlaced his fingers behind his head as he crouched down trying to obtain any level of oxygen and make the room stop spinning. Why didn’t he know he was going to be a father? That Ella was pregnant when she died? He stared over at Paxton who hadn’t said a word since she let go of her damning secret. She stared at the floor, waiting for his reaction. None of it made any sense to him.

  “You knew, all this time you knew she was…we were going to-” Duke just couldn’t wrap his mind around it. Ella was pregnant. Those three words kept repeating in his head. Ella was pregnant. The woman sitting in front of him, the one that he was falling in love with kept this a secret from him. From his crouching position, Duke stood and turned to face Paxton. “For two fucking years, you knew about this? You didn’t tell me, you chose to keep this a secret?” He couldn’t even stand straight just thinking about it. He bent over, his hands bracing his knees so he wouldn’t tumble to the ground. He needed to stop the erratic beating of his heart. It was like a weight was set on his chest and it was slowly pressing against him, constricting the air and sending his body into overdrive trying to get the basic need of oxygen flowing again. “I can’t. Oh god, Ella, my baby. Jesus…”

  Duke tried to figure out who the person was in front of him was. He couldn’t recognize the cold woman sitting there. She was a liar. He looked over at the walls that seemed to be closing in on him. He needed to get out of this room, he needed to escape. The weight he felt on his chest was getting heavier by the moment. The air supply seemed to run out in the room, he was suffocating and the only place he would survive would be outside of these walls. Memories of Ella from the night of the accident filled his mind, sending his world into a tailspin, where he knew he would eventually crash and burn if he didn’t get out of the room.

  He stumbled out of the door. If he didn’t get air soon, he was sure that he wouldn’t survive this moment. The emotions running through him were physically overwhelming. It felt like two hands were wrapping around his heart and they were trying to slowly rip it out. Duke was brought back to the night he lost Ella. The grief and pain he felt were coming back. The agony of his life shattering before his eyes was prominent once more. It was happening all over again, history repeating itself. He managed to climb into his truck and drive away from the person who just demolished his world once again. Duke felt the need to go to the one person who loved him through and through. He needed to see Ella. Flashes of her the last few days they spent together floated through his mind. He tried to concentrate on her figure, her stomach, his baby, the things he didn’t know that were in front of him. She seemed to only be his loving wife, his best friend, his soul mate, but now she was so much more. She was the mother of his child. A child he would never know.

  It didn’t take him long to get to the other side of the town. The cemetery was quiet but there were a few people there. By the time he got to Ella’s grave he was emotionally numb. He couldn’t feel anything, not even the beating of his own heart. None of this could possibly be true. However, he knew this was too cruel to be a lie. Paxton could never set something like this in motion if it weren’t true. Duke sat down in front of Ella’s grave and felt the tears slide down his face. He hastily wiped them away.

  “Ellie-bear, oh god…” he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud to her. He touched the cool headstone. The cool, smooth marble only reminded him of a lost life. He would no longer be able to touch his wife, watch her belly grow, hold his child, or even watch his child grow up. Everything was just lost and he could do nothing about it.

  The look in Ella’s eyes flashed through his mind as he flew out the window the day of the accident. The last look of his wife before his world went black. He saw the fear in her eyes. He thought it was because of the shock of the event that were taking place at that moment, the impending accident, him flying out the window, but he knew the fear was because of so much more now. She feared for their baby, their future as a family. The pieces he was missing were quickly falling into place. The wounds he thought were healed were ripped open again. He hated Paxton for doing that, putting him through this. How could she have kept this from him? It was his child, her best friend’s child. She should have told him, it was her job wasn’t it?

  He stood up and looked down at Ella. What was left of his heart broke a little more. The pieces that he spent so much time putting back together, were now fragmented once again, all around him, with no hope of being able to put it back together. He sent up a small prayer and his love to Ella and his unborn child. He also prayed for strength to get through this because all he could imagine now was a life without his family. They never got a chance, nor will they ever. What should have been his future, now laid in the ground. Just thinking about the possibilities they could have had if she and the baby survived, made Duke fall to his knees once more. He didn’t know how to move forward. The pain was just too great. Somehow, he mustered the strength to stand up. He knew sitting there wasn’t going to get him the answers he wanted or the life he should have had.

  Duke arrived back at his apartment. It felt cold and lonely, but he was thankful there were no memories of Ella in the place that could haunt him. The only memories he had were with Paxton, but they only appeared the kitchen and living room. He never once took her back to his bedroom and he was thankful for that. He walked slowly through the apartment not knowing what to do, who to talk to. His life had completely shifted once more. The future he thought he could have with Paxton was shredded to pieces, lying on the floor in her house, just like the future he had envisioned for Ella and himself were shredded that day in the hospital.

  Duke went to his bedroom with the somber thoughts and threw himself on his bed, hoping that he could wash away what just happened. He didn’t want to believe that Ella was pregnant and he didn’t know. The death certificate, they would have put it on there right? He thought to himself. He jumped up to search his closet for the one file that he hid away. He found it on his shelf and dug through the papers. He found the certificate and looked through it. He found the ‘If Female:’ section. They circled unknown on pregnancy. He put the paper back. Of course they wouldn’t have looked for it. No official autopsy was performed on Ella. There was no need, they knew the cause of death. Traumatic injuries from a car accident. He sat back with the folder still in hand. For a moment, he wanted this to be a vicious lie, that it wasn’t really true. He knew Paxton wouldn’t hurt him this bad just to be with Jack. The look on her face told him she wasn’t lying, but he wanted so bad to believe that she was. He let the tears fall for his baby, his wife, the future they would never have.

  Duke crawled back over to his bed. He wished he could join Ella and h
is baby. He wanted to be with them right now. For the first time in a long time, Duke just wanted to fall off the face of the planet.

  ***

  Duke pulled up to the gallery. It had been about a week since Paxton told him about the baby. Everywhere he went he pictured her. Here he could just stare at a picture of her. No need trying to visualize her when she could be right in front of him. He walked in and was greeted by Madeline.

  “Hey Duke! How’s it going?” Her cheery voice didn’t slow him down as he headed towards the partition.

  “Good, thanks Madeline. I just need to escape.” Madeline knew that he came to do that every once in a while.

  “Let me know if you need anything.” She wasn’t as cheery this time.

  Duke disappeared around the partition. He went to the left side in one of the rooms that Ryan had set up earlier that week. It was all photos of Ella and a few of himself and Ella. He sat down on the bench and stared at the picture of her. It was one he took himself. She was laughing and you could see the twinkle in her eye. Ella was the mother of his child and he never knew it. He dreamt of the moment they would bring a child into the world, but he never knew that he was closer to that dream than he realized it.

  “Duke?” a voice interrupted the silence.

  Duke turned and saw Ryan leaning in the doorframe. “Hey, I was just needing to see her face,” he returned his gaze to Ella’s picture.

  “I miss her too. I always looked forward to our time together,” Ryan came in and sat down by him. He looked up at the same picture Duke stared at.

  “She was something else wasn’t she?” Ryan asked. Duke looked over at him.

  “Yeah, she was.” They fell into silence as they got lost in their own thoughts, their own memories of the woman they were looking at.

  Duke stared at the picture and looked over at Ryan. Ryan didn’t know about the baby and Duke needed to talk to someone. He clenched his fist, not wanting to deliver this kind of news.

  “Can we go up to your office and talk?” Duke asked. When he did tell Ryan about the baby, he didn’t want to do it out in the open. It’s a tough pill to swallow knowing the people you loved kept secrets from you. Ryan had taken Paxton under his wing and they had a close friendship. He wasn’t sure how Ryan would react.

  “Sure. Let’s head up.”

  Duke followed him out of the room. As much resentment he had towards Paxton, his heart was heavy. For a split second, he thought about keeping it to himself. He shook his head, that would make him no better than her. Ryan deserved to know that he could have been a great-uncle or whatever it would make him.

  “So what’s up Duke?” Ryan closed the door behind him. He motioned Duke to take a seat.

  Duke sat and watched Ryan take his own seat behind the desk. Duke leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. He rubbed his hands together unsure of how to say what he needed to say. How did one deliver this kind of news after so much time has passed? Duke then wondered if he would be even affected by it. It didn’t matter though, Duke knew he needed to tell Ryan. There was no way he couldn’t.

  “Listen I have some news to tell you and it’s not going to be easy.”

  “Are you in some sort of trouble? I know you haven’t been around lately.”

  Duke shook his head, “No, it’s nothing like that but it’s pretty heavy news.”

  He looked up at Ryan. Again, he wanted to turn this conversation around and just forget it, but he couldn’t. Ella’s family deserved to know. Duke had to do this, he had to. “Paxton was keeping something from me, something big and she’s been holding on to this secret for awhile now.”

  “What kind of secret?” Duke heard the curiosity in Ryan’s voice. Duke couldn’t find his voice, he didn’t want to say it out loud. “Duke?”

  Duke looked up and stared at Ryan. This was harder than he thought it was. Duke took a deep breath and finally let the words slip out, “She kept my child from me.”

  Silence ensued as Duke waited for Ryan’s reaction. He watched Ryan shift in his seat, his eyes looked down at his hands folded on his desk. Ryan looked back up and Duke saw the confusion in his face, “Your child? As in Paxton’s pregnant?”

  Duke let out the breath he was holding. Of course Ryan would think Paxton was pregnant. Ella had been gone for two years, so she wouldn’t have crossed his mind. “No,” Duke paused. “Ella was.”

  Ryan flinched at the confession but made no move, no sound, nothing. Duke saw another piece fall into place, Ryan must have known. He closed his hand into fist on his knee. Was he the last to find out? “Did you know as well?” He asked through clenched teeth.

  “I had my suspicions. She came over for breakfast one morning. I was making some sausage and she all but threw up. It’s a sign of pregnancy. She claimed she just had a bug though. I had my doubts.”

  Duke was taken aback by what Ryan just shared. How could Ryan keep it to himself, even if he had a suspicion?

  “Why didn’t you say anything?” Duke bit out.

  “Because they were suspicions, nothing was ever said so I assumed I was wrong. That she really did have a bug of some sort.”

  Duke stood up in frustration. He ran his hands through his hair and paced in Ryan’s office. Paxton knew, Ryan suspected, how could he have not seen it? “You still could have said something.”

  “And what good would that have done? Your wife died, who was I to bring up the possibility of a baby? Come on, seriously, you didn’t need that on your plate and I’m not sure why Paxton brought it up now, but can you blame her for keeping it to herself? Look at you? Over the last week you have been a mess and I’m guessing this is to blame.”

  “Yes, I blame her. She kept my child from me Ryan, my child!”

  “She probably did it to protect you. I mean look at how you are acting,” Ryan countered, “you’re falling apart. You aren’t dealing with this well. Imagine what you would have done if you found out right after learning about Ella. Paxton was protecting you because she loves you!”

  “Why are you defending her? Ella was your niece! How can you take Paxton’s side?” Duke raised his voice.

  Ryan stood up from his chair and approached Duke. He crossed his arms in front of his chest. “I’m not taking sides and your reaction is only proving my point. Ella would have wanted you to move on and not be stuck in the past. As much as it hurts you, the possible future you two would have had together is no longer possible. There’s nothing you can do about it and being angry is not going to give you what you want.” Ryan paused before continuing. Duke did not miss the firm tone, “Ella would want you to be happy. She wouldn’t want you to hate Paxton, to blame her. Am I upset with her? Yes, but what good does that do? It doesn’t bring Ella or your baby back.”

  “No, it doesn’t bring them back but makes me want to join them,” Duke’s voice hardened.

  Ryan grabbed Duke by his jaw with one hand, “Don’t you say that! Don’t you dare even think about doing anything stupid. You will not, and I repeat, will not think like that,” venom dripped in Ryan’s words. Duke attempted to break out of Ryan’s grip but failed. It was like he was a child being held in place. He wrapped his hand around Ryan’s wrist and Ryan pointed his finger in Duke’s face. “I will not let you be a shithead and just check out of this world. Ella wouldn’t want that. If you loved her, you will never, ever think about joining her until you are good and old. Do I make myself clear?”

  Ryan let Duke go and Duke staggered backwards. He rubbed his jaw and stared at Ryan. Anger was seething through Ryan and all Duke could do was just stare at him. He knew that Ryan had no place telling him what to do.

  “Or what? If you kill me because I attempt to, then I can still join them.”

  “Look,” Ryan calmed down a bit, or was at least attempting to. “Killing yourself won’t make anything better. Do you think Ella would have wanted that? What about the family you still have left? Huh? What about me?”

  Duke looked at Ryan. He wasn’t sure how to answer
that. Ryan was right though, Ella would roll in her grave if he took his own life. He hated that Ryan was right. He hated his life at the moment, he hated that he was the only one who couldn’t see that his wife was pregnant. Duke turned and walked out of the office.

  Ryan’s voice called out behind him, “Where are you going?”

  Ryan continued calling out to him, but Duke kept on walking. He ignored Ryan behind him and ignored the look Madeline gave him as he walked out the door not saying a word. He didn’t know where he was going or what he was going to do, he just felt the need to be alone with his thoughts, his memories.

  ONE

  Duke sat at the bar waiting on Sage and Drew to get there. He looked into the beer he was drinking just thinking about things. It had been two months now since he found out Ella was pregnant. Jack was still there living with him but he often went to see Paxton. He ran back to her, after everything Paxton did, Jack went back to her. Duke took another gulp of the cool liquid.

  He looked around the bar wondering how his life came to this. He battled his inner-most demons over the last couple of months. He woke up in the middle of the night, screaming and reaching out for Ella. The look on her face as he was thrown from the car haunted him at night. During the day, the knowing look in her eyes filled his mind. She knew that moment was changing everything for them. He took a drink of the cool amber colored liquid that filled his glass. Duke sighed. He couldn’t believe he didn’t know. Everything was so clear now looking back. How could he have not known? He took another drink and another one. He needed to drown her out, dispel the images of her before he could fall asleep at night. He knew he needed to get some sleep tonight, so he finished the half of beer still left in his glass.

  “Slow down slugger,” Lexi winked at him.

  Duke scoffed as he set the empty glass on her tray that she set on the high table. Lexi had become a good friend to him over the years. She was the server that usually took care of him and the boys. Lexi became more than just a friend to him over the last two months. The week he found out about Ella’s pregnancy, he started coming here. At first he was by himself, wanting to be alone. He didn’t make the best choices and Lexi ended up taking care of him. She even took him out on her nights off to make sure he was alright. He didn’t want the guys to see him breakdown, so Lexi had become his go-to person. One night they both took it a little too far but they were both just trying to fill their own needs. Neither of them looking for a relationship, just someone to scratch an itch.